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(April 1, 2019 at 9:02 pm)arewethereyet Wrote: It may also be a way of trying to calm the person down.
Either way...it's a toxic relationship if one feels they have to block someone else's exit and the other thinks throwing electronics around is normal human behavior.
Things happen in relationship, especially 20 year-long ones. You show me someone married that long and things haven't gotten really bad at some point.
In fact, tell me YOU haven't been in some pretty dark places in your own relationships. I dare you.
April 1, 2019 at 9:07 pm (This post was last modified: April 1, 2019 at 9:08 pm by Athene.)
(April 1, 2019 at 8:06 pm)bennyboy Wrote:
I didn't throw a TV at my wife. I vented on the TV instead-- there was no point at which she was in physical danger. But it was still a loss of control, and I didn't like feeling that way. I now choose to avoid confrontation completely, and I think that's a pretty good choice.
As for seeking help-- I'm in Korea. I don't have resources available to me that I'd have in Canada or the US. Your words do hurt a little, though. "He won't do anything, he doesn't really want to change." I've specifically described some of the changes I've made, and you never asked if there were others. Literally the only social contact I have is with people in this forum. Nothing toxic there, thank god!
But I know what counseling would tell me-- keep a journal of my feelings, figure out what triggers me, and avoid situations that are likely to make me feel frustrated. Put that pent-up energy into something more productive, like a good long run. Listen to relaxing music, distract yourself with some entertainment, or otherwise clear out your mind, don't drink alcohol or stimulants. These are all things that I do, because I'm actively engaged in the process of feeling good and trying to live better every day.
What you're assuming is that in describing an incident that happened about 10 years ago, and in talking about male rage in general, it's never occurred to me to research the issue. In fact, I haven't been enraged in quite a while-- because I am in fact taking those steps that I can. For someone in your position, I'd say that kind of prejudice is pretty dangerous. You are quick to demonize, but didn't ask any of the right kinds of questions first. Whatever you think your credentials are, you might want to consider going back to that training manual for a refresher, because I'm pretty sure you're not following protocol right now.
And this is kind of what this thread is about-- you don't know anything about what was said, or why. You don't know anything about my feelings or how I've tried to address them, but you're already giving your "expert" opinion. As soon as you hear that a man was angry, ever, you've got the word "abuse" on mind. You've got me all figured out, hey?
Poor bennyboy. You're the real victim, as usual.
You're just trying live better and folks are being to mean to you.
Let's forget that up until a few pages ago you were campaigning for others to start accepting acts of violent, uncontrollable man-rage as "natural" and thus, men should not be made to "feel bad" or be punished for it; Lest we find ourselves subjected to even more violent rage on account of men like you becoming "frustrated" at not being granted the freedom to shit on others without consequences, of course.
LMFAO....The little games of psychological manipulation and emotional blackmail that work with your wife, aren't gonna work out her in the wild, benny.
You ain't paying anyone's bills, and no one's in love with your ass.
(April 1, 2019 at 9:02 pm)arewethereyet Wrote: It may also be a way of trying to calm the person down.
Either way...it's a toxic relationship if one feels they have to block someone else's exit and the other thinks throwing electronics around is normal human behavior.
Things happen in relationship, especially 20 year-long ones. You show me someone married that long and things haven't gotten really bad at some point.
In fact, tell me YOU haven't been in some pretty dark places in your own relationships. I dare you.
Yeah, I have had some bad relationships...I had them...they are over. I learned from them.
'I dare you'...are you 12?
“If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” — Confucius
(April 1, 2019 at 8:59 pm)Yonadav Wrote: You strike me as a hitter. Pun intended.
Actually, I am not. I lived that shit growing up and in a couple shit relationships.
I am a walk away kind of person because I learned long ago that things cannot be unsaid and I tend to go for the verbal hit...and I seldom miss. That was learned years ago also. Remove myself and/or shut my mouth.
Okay. What if you were prevented from walking away. Physically obstructed? You telling me you'd be like "La la la. . . guess I'm not leaving the room after all. Haha, guess I'll just find a corner and count to 10."
(April 1, 2019 at 8:16 pm)Thena323 Wrote: That depends, actually.
Simply blocking a doorway with no physical act or threat is not a criminal offense.
A past history of the blocker being violent could very well compel me to advise a person call the police on their spouse; just to be on the safe side in case shit goes down. But in absent of that AND in having no physical act or threat present, calling the cops isn't typically the go-to in these situations.
Many reasonable, non-violent people DO do this sometimes. It simply means "Hey...I'm not done talking, yet."
During a fight? It doesn't depend. The person who blocks the person who is trying to walk away is the aggressor. And I guarantee you that the police would order her to step out of the way, once he called them.
(April 1, 2019 at 9:05 pm)arewethereyet Wrote: Actually, I am not. I lived that shit growing up and in a couple shit relationships.
I am a walk away kind of person because I learned long ago that things cannot be unsaid and I tend to go for the verbal hit...and I seldom miss. That was learned years ago also. Remove myself and/or shut my mouth.
Okay. What if you were prevented from walking away. Physically obstructed? You telling me you'd be like "La la la. . . guess I'm not leaving the room after all. Haha, guess I'll just find a corner and count to 10."
Would depend on the person blocking my path. But throwing electronics wouldn't be my first response.
You aren't going to convince me, or many people here, that your violent tendencies are okey dokey. But rave on...when you are already in a hole grabbing a shovel and digging isn't the way to work your way out of it.
“If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” — Confucius
April 1, 2019 at 9:14 pm (This post was last modified: April 1, 2019 at 9:22 pm by bennyboy.)
(April 1, 2019 at 9:07 pm)Thena323 Wrote: Poor bennyboy. You're the real victim, as usual.
You're just trying live better and folks are being to mean to you.
Let's forget that up until a few pages ago you were campaigning for others to start accepting acts of violent, uncontrollable man-rage as "natural" and thus, men should not be made to "feel bad" or be punished for it; Lest we find ourselves subjected to even more violent rage on account of men like you becoming "frustrated" at not being granted the freedom to shit on others without consequences, of course.
LMFAO....The little games of psychological manipulation and emotional blackmail that work with your wife, aren't gonna work out her in the wild, benny.
You ain't paying anyone's bills, and no one's in love with your ass.
You are mixing things I did said with things I'd never say. Yes, I'm saying I think that male rage is a feature of our species, and is therefore natural. No, I'm not saying that we should accept violent acts. I didn't say men shouldn't feel bad about losing control of their emotions. I did say that demonizing men who lose control will not be effective at causing them to gain control-- I said that it's likely to aggravate the situation.
The point of this thread is that rage is a part of the evolutionary make-up of the species, and that you can't define it out of existence by demonizing it. I think it's so common that it cannot be defined as dysfunction-- though it is certainly counterproductive given the goal of living peacefully together in a civilized society.
As for psychological manipulation or emotional blackmail-- you seem to be projecting something, there. Wanna talk about it?
(April 1, 2019 at 9:11 pm)Shell B Wrote:
(April 1, 2019 at 5:15 pm)Mathilda Wrote: What's the difference between the rage of man and the rage of woman?
Feeling justified because you think women are shit?
I think it's much more likely that a man rages because he thinks HE is shit, though he's unlikely to frame it that way. In my case, there's definitely a self-loathing that goes back to childhood, and there are other issues as well-- depression, suicidal thoughts and so on. There's definitely an animalistic feeling of being trapped or caged in certain situations. Sometimes, I think that prison might be the right place for me, even though I haven't really harmed anyone yet.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe, as Gae says, I'm just a loon. But I don't think so-- I think it's a lot more common than the radio play it gets, and I feel there's a lot of gain to be had in trying to discuss it honestly.
(April 1, 2019 at 8:59 pm)Yonadav Wrote: You strike me as a hitter. Pun intended.
Actually, I am not. I lived that shit growing up and in a couple shit relationships.
I am a walk away kind of person because I learned long ago that things cannot be unsaid and I tend to go for the verbal hit...and I seldom miss. That was learned years ago also. Remove myself and/or shut my mouth.
We do not inherit the world from our parents. We borrow it from our children.
