Why I Won't "Come Out" to Dad

[Ryantology]

I wish I hadn't come out to my father, but that's because he's an asshole about it and likes to provoke me. Until I did, I was never asked to lead a saying of Grace at a holiday dinner.

[FallentoReason]

I will never tell my father I am an atheist.

Here's why:

He's not very religious and doesn't go to church, but he believes in god and that loved ones are reunited after death. He is comforted by this belief because he has lost his parents, his only sibling, his wife (my mother), his only son (my brother), and his two step-sons (my half-brothers). I am his only daughter.

If I tell him I'm an atheist, that's like telling him I am choosing to be left out of the great family reunion that will happen in heaven.

Telling him I'm an atheist so that I can feel better ("I can be myself!") would be incredibly selfish.

He would respect my choice. But he would be devastated by it. He has suffered so much already; I will never hurt him by doing this.

I am not posting this to dissuade anyone else from "coming out" to their family. Everyone's situation is unique. But I would advise that, before doing so, you give serious thought to how this decision might affect them.

I know exactly how you feel. I can't say my situation is as intense as yours though.

A few nights ago at the dinner table I was trying to get advice from my parents (non practicing Catholics) on how to distance myself from my Pentecostal church where my life is still heavily based around. Anyways, one thing led to another and I was asked directly if I believed in God or not. Strangely, I smiled, and replied honestly with a 'no'. Now, we've been down this road before but maybe it didn't get addressed so full on. My parents had previously concluded that they were happy that I was making up my own mind and not taking in what other people told me. This time though it was so different, and I almost felt heartbroken.

Anyways, the rest of dinner was basically an awkward justification of my new beliefs where whatever I said about the Bible my dad would reply 'jeez, I wish I had read it more thoroughly when I was younger'. Basically, he didn't know how to respond everytime simply because he isn't familiar with the book. This is seriously devastating for me because neither my dad or mum know what they're saying about their own beliefs, yet they concluded the conversation by saying they want me to sort it out and figure out how the Bible really is the truth, even though our family is not remotely affected by Christianity in any way.

At the back of their minds, they need this scapegoat to avoid an eternity of non-existence. I don't think I can ever take that away from them...

[Chemelonique]

This seems like a reasonable choice, it shows you love your Dad and you just want to comfort him after all he's been through. Personally if I could live my life without telling my parents I definitely would, but I know eventually I am going to have to tell them.

[Darth]

If your taking the route where your definitely want to raise the topic (see if he thinks we get to heaven if we're good), but don't want the full conversation, here's an idea if you still go round and watch t.v with him or whatever, wait till the topic is brought up on the news or something

"and earlier today christians protested the 'godless and fine with it' parade..."

"hey, what do you think happens to those atheists when they die?"

It's still a bit risky (and I take no responsibility), and it's not entirely honest, but then the other options aren't either are they?

[Faith No More]

I will never tell my father I am an atheist.

I think your reasons are very commendable. Myself, I was quite rebellious against my parents, meaning whatever they said and did, I did the opposite. Even so, I couldn't tell them I didn't believe in god until three years after I came to that conclusion, and I only did it because I was so goddamn sick of being forced to go to church.

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

@Happy;

I empathise; I accidently came out to my father when I was 23,as a Buddhist. (I moved on from that soon after)

Dad was a devout Catholic,and tolerated no dissent about ANYTHING. He was a complete cunt about it until he went senile 30 odd years later. My solution during that time ;saw the old prick as little as possible.

As you say,each case is different.Mine was not about hurting my father,but about him being an intolerant bully.

[The Grand Nudger]

If you don't mind my asking Pad, what was it that drew you to buddhism, and conversely, why did you drift away from it?

[C.W. Sims]

I still have yet to broach this topic with my family. I was raised by pretty lax christians to begin with. Religion was never a big thing. It was just something that was accepted as a fact. When I began to grow older and experiment with religions my mother accepted it. When I came out as gay she accepted that as well. I do not think she would be able to accept that I am an atheist and my mother and I are very close. Mine may not be noble reasons, but they are my own and I have come to terms with them. To protect the familial bond I have with my mother, and a few other members of my family I simply don't talk about religion or talk about it in general terms.

They know I don't celebrate holidays, that to me they are just regular days, I rarely if ever join them in prayer. I don't see the need to throw a monkey wrench into their happiness just to suit myself and make me feel good about having "come out". To me religion or lack thereof is neither here nor there. It isn't like the fact that to have a normal life as a gay man I pretty much had to come out, my only other option was celibacy. In this case it is just so much a non-issue that I fail to see the point. However for those who have come out to their families and felt it was necessary to do so, I commend you. And HappyHumanist, I commend you as well. Your reasons are truly noble. That is awesome to see someone care so much for family in this day and age.

[Cinjin]

Just because you don't believe in god doesn't mean you can't believe in some kind of existence after death.

There are still many things about the world around us that we do not understand and possibly cannot comprehend. I certainly won't rule out the possibility of an existence after death. The difference is, I don't hold onto it as a hope of reward for myself and punishment for others.

[BattleD12]

This is something I have personally thought about to, although I'm not telling my parents about my being atheist for other reasons.