Jokes section ?

[Samson]

Too funny.....Good one Dotard and Void...

[theVOID]

A small rural town woman getting on in age decides to see a lawyer to write her will, after a few hours of deciding what was going to be contained in the will the lawyer says:

Right, now just one thing left, what would you like done with your body when you die?

I'd like to be cremated, said the woman, and I would like you to scatter the ashes at the local pub.

The pub? Said the lawyer. Well if that's what you want i'll see what we can arrange, but may I ask why you want this?

This, she replied, is the only way my fat, lazy fucking husband will ever come visit me!

[Dotard]

Q.Why did the pothead cross the road?
A.Who else would follow a chicken.

Q.What`s the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A.Porcupines have pricks on the outside.


Once, I was so stoned I sold my car for gas money.

Q.Stoners definition of desperate?
A.Resin.

Q.How do you know which cop has an ounce of the best pot around?
A.He's the one who just busted me.

Q.What do you call someone who says they can remember what they did at Woodstock?
A.A liar.

Two blondes are getting wasted at a party.
"I think you had enough," one says to the other.
"Your face is getting blurry!"

What do you call a pothead in a suit?
A defendant.

[Samson]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[tackattack]

:ROFLOL:

[Dotard]

I was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found me, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

I smiled and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," I replied, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

I explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great intelligence, opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

I continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by my work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Oklahoma, the most diverse and glorious place on earth. There are 10 beautiful eco-regions, rivers and streams, prairies, hardwood forests, Rocky Mountain foothills and plains. The people from Oklahoma will be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous; great examples to the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

I smiled, "Right next to Oklahoma is Texas. Wait 'til you see the fucking idiots I put there ..."

[tackattack]

:ROFLOL:.. you guys are making me cry

[Samson]

Holy Shit Dotard, that was awesome.....

At least the punch line was not "Louisiana"...LOLOL....

[Dotard]

Punchline?

It's a true story. Louisiana is where I put the stinky people.

[Samson]

Dotard, are you from Texas..... ...lolol

Don't be ashamed now......