What's the funniest or most ridiculous bible quote you have ever heard or read?

[icantstandfundies]

My personal favourite has to be:-

"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord"

[Phil]

The entire chapter 23 of Ezekiel. I wonder if those children's bibles that are intended to be read as bedtime stories have that chapter in it and I would love to be a fly on the wall as a parent read that to their 5 year old daughter (or son).

[The Grand Nudger]

"In the beginning..............." Gotta tell ya, from right about this point the text is a nonstop laugh riot (except when you can't laugh through the tears), and they just keep it up till "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. AMEN."

[AthiestAtheist]

Mine's the one that says that whoever doesn't believe in it is a fool. Tch, like I'm gonna take smack from a book...

[Minimalist]

Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

[The Grand Nudger]

"Can you draw out Leviathan with a fishhook? Or press down his tongue with a cord? "Can you put a rope in his nose Or pierce his jaw with a hook? "Will he make many supplications to you, Or will he speak to you soft words? "Will he make a covenant with you? Will you take him for a servant forever? "Will you play with him as with a bird, Or will you bind him for your maidens? "Will the traders bargain over him? Will they divide him among the merchants? "Can you fill his skin with harpoons, Or his head with fishing spears? "Lay your hand on him; Remember the battle; you will not do it again! "Behold, your expectation is false; Will you be laid low even at the sight of him? "No one is so fierce that he dares to arouse him; Who then is he that can stand before Me? "Who has given to Me that I should repay {him?} {Whatever} is under the whole heaven is Mine.

"I will not keep silence concerning his limbs, Or his mighty strength, or his orderly frame. "Who can strip off his outer armor? Who can come within his double mail? "Who can open the doors of his face? Around his teeth there is terror. "{His} strong scales are {his} pride, Shut up {as with} a tight seal. "One is so near to another That no air can come between them. "They are joined one to another; They clasp each other and cannot be separated. "His sneezes flash forth light, And his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning. "Out of his mouth go burning torches; Sparks of fire leap forth. "Out of his nostrils smoke goes forth As {from} a boiling pot and {burning} rushes. "His breath kindles coals, And a flame goes forth from his mouth. "In his neck lodges strength, And dismay leaps before him. "The folds of his flesh are joined together, Firm on him and immovable. "His heart is as hard as a stone, Even as hard as a lower millstone.

"When he raises himself up, the mighty fear; Because of the crashing they are bewildered. "The sword that reaches him cannot avail, Nor the spear, the dart or the javelin. "He regards iron as straw, Bronze as rotten wood. "The arrow cannot make him flee; Slingstones are turned into stubble for him. "Clubs are regarded as stubble; He laughs at the rattling of the javelin. "His underparts are {like} sharp potsherds; He spreads out {like} a threshing sledge on the mire. "He makes the depths boil like a pot; He makes the sea like a jar of ointment. "Behind him he makes a wake to shine; One would think the deep to be gray-haired. "Nothing on earth is like him, One made without fear. "He looks on everything that is high; He is king over all the sons of pride." Job 41:1-34 NAS

Really, fire breathing dragons? If you say so.

[Cyberman]

I've said this previously, but I'm going with the bizarre episode when, due to "Matthew"'s piss-poor language skills, Jesus entered Jerusalem on the back of a donkey and an ass at the same time.

[Adjusted Sanity]

12 And on the morrow, when they were come from Bethany, he was hungry: 13 And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. 14 And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it.

Makes me think of this

[Minimalist]

Jesus entered Jerusalem on the back of a donkey and an ass at the same time.

That was probably a translational error from Aramaic to Greek. What the person in the crowd said was "look at that ass riding the donkey."

[Cyberman]