joke time

[Brian37]

Trump's first toy as a kid was, "See And Say The Jackass Says".

[Brian37]

Why do nipples have humans?

[Joods]

How does NASA organize a party?

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They Planet

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Why are koalas not actual bears? 

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They don't have the koalafications.

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[Fireball]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
The social workers there raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.”
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
“It doesn’t really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

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An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh, no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is…... I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon. “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

[The Valkyrie]

A guy is speeding along the highway when he sees flashing lights behind him and a cop car pulls him over.

He sits in the car and winds down the window, seeing a female cop step out of the police car and walk slowly up to his window.

"What's the matter, officer?" he asks.

The cop crosses he arms, stamps her foot, turns away from him and says, "Nothing!"

[chimp3]

A married father of four children lies on his death bed. Three of his children have red hair and blue eyes just like he does. The youngest has black hair and brown eyes. This has been a secret concern of his for years. He decides to ask his wife about it. 

"Darling, my time is short and it no longer matters , but I have to ask. Is our youngest child mine?"

His wife answers "On everything that is sacred I swear he is your child!"

The man sighs in relief and shortly thereafter dies in peace.

His wife mutters under her breath "Thank God he didn't ask about the redheads!"

[The Valkyrie]

Mabel and Henry have been married for sixty years.

Now, they're sitting on the deck of their house, wistfully looking at the setting sun.

"Henry," Mabel says, "There's something I've always wanted to confess to you."

"What is that, Mabel," Henry asks.

"For all our married life I've been faking my orgasms."

Henry thinks about this for a few moments, and then says, "Mabel, there's something I've always meant to confess to you."

"What's that, Henry?" Mabel asks.

Henry lifts his worn cane and says, "For all our married lives I've been faking my erections."

[Fireball]

Mabel and Henry have been married for sixty years.

Now, they're sitting on the deck of their house, wistfully looking at the setting sun.

"Henry," Mabel says, "There's something I've always wanted to confess to you."

"What is that, Mabel," Henry asks.

"For all our married life I've been faking my orgasms."

Henry thinks about this for a few moments, and then says, "Mabel, there's something I've always meant to confess to you."

"What's that, Henry?" Mabel asks.

Henry lifts his worn cane and says, "For all our married lives I've been faking my erections."

...and the followup- "So, explain these three children".

[Cyberman]

Mabel and Henry were sitting at home that evening; she was doing her knitting and he was watching a fishing show on TV. After a few minutes, he flicked the channel onto a porn movie, then a couple of minutes later flicked back to the fishing.

He kept this up for a while, switching back and forth between the porn and the fishing.

Finally Mabel had had enough. "Land sakes, Henry," she snapped. "Leave the porn film on. You already know how to fish!"

[Brian37]

Doesn't he realize it is no longer his pillow once he sells it?