joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

One day in the water molecule, Oxygen says to the two Hydrogen atoms, "Hey, I think each of you stole one of my electrons" to which the Hydrogen atoms responded, "Are you positive?"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, 'How much for a pint of lager?' and the barman says, 'For you...no charge.'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Heard in a bar:

Guy, "So the genie said I can have a large penis or perfect memory."

Girl, "What did you wish for?"

Guy: "I forget."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Fella catches a leprechaun who agrees to grant the usual three wishes, but says that whatever the man asks for, his worst enemy in the world will get twice as much.

‘Fine,’ says the man.  ‘I want a fifty room mansion and  fifty beautiful women who  will cater to my every whim.’

‘And for you third wish?’ asks the leprechaun.

‘I’d like ONE of my testicles to disappear.’

Boru

[Brian37]

One day in the water molecule, Oxygen says to the two Hydrogen atoms, "Hey, I think each of you stole one of my electrons" to which the Hydrogen atoms responded, "Are you positive?"

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, 'How much for a pint of lager?' and the barman says, 'For you...no charge.'

Boru

Line from the "Big Bang Theory" 

Sheldon, "Don't trust atoms, they make up everything."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Yeah, but Trump, tribalism, evolution, species.  What about THAT?

Boru

[Brian37]

What is with the phrase "Hot food"? I eat food, I don't screw it It might be good for comedy like American Pie, but I ain't going to burn my dick.

[Minimalist]

At the Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
 
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular.
 
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota,
stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with
a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
transport their children!”
 
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
 
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says; "If
the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!"
 
More sighs and loud applause.
 
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the
Rabbi stays, I will give him sex."
 
There is total silence.
 
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and
holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”
 
Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:
 
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: 'Fuck him.'

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

On my birthday, my wife likes to wake me up with oral sex.  It isn't as nice as it sounds - last, year, I nearly suffocated.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Me: "You're in the early stages of heart disease."
Patient: "Oh, shit!"
Me: "It's okay. You can manage it with a healthy diet and regular exercise."
Patient: "OH SHIT!"

[Cod]

What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina.

A fridge never farts when you take your meat out.