joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Me to patient, "Jim, I have bad news."

Jim, "What is it?"

Me, "You have to stop masturbating!"

Jim, "Oh god! Why??"

Me, "Because I'm trying to talk to you!"

[The Valkyrie]

My ex picking up a video camera, "Let's make a sex tape!"

Me, "Knowing you it's more likely to be a .gif."

[fredd bear]

My ex picking up a video camera, "Let's make a sex tape!"

Me, "Knowing you it's more likely to be a .gif."

Now THAT'S uncanny. 

[Jackie]

So A transgender's car craps out, wont start, so they take it to a mechanic. The mechanic takes a couple of hours to look at it. They come back out to the lobby and say, "I hate to tell you this, but it is your transmission."

It's a play on words.

---

I am an animal lover. I can't understand why the courts have a problem with that.

[Jackie]

A Kangaroo goes into the store to complain about the service.

Kangaroo, "May I speak to the manager?"

Clerk, "Yes, give me a second."

Manager comes out, "What seems to be the problem?"

Kangaroo, "I am hopping mad."

[Cod]

A Kangaroo goes into the store to complain about the service.

Kangaroo, "May I speak to the manager?"

Clerk, "Yes, give me a second."

Manager comes out, "What seems to be the problem?"

Kangaroo, "I am hopping mad."

Then the manager says "You're a Kangaroo."

The Kangaroo says nothing for 40 seconds then says "Yes."

The manager asks "Why the long pause?"

[Jackie]

A Kangaroo goes into the store to complain about the service.

Kangaroo, "May I speak to the manager?"

Clerk, "Yes, give me a second."

Manager comes out, "What seems to be the problem?"

Kangaroo, "I am hopping mad."

Then the manager says "You're a Kangaroo."

The Kangaroo says nothing for 40 seconds then says "Yes."

The manager asks "Why the long pause?"

I'm a little slow on the uptake.

Was that supposed to be a play on the word's "pause" and "paws"?

[Cod]

Then the manager says "You're a Kangaroo."

The Kangaroo says nothing for 40 seconds then says "Yes."

The manager asks "Why the long pause?"

I'm a little slow on the uptake.

Was that supposed to be a play on the word's "pause" and "paws"?

I don't know. I didn't get it myself.

[Jackie]

A horse is out with family and friends, and the issue gets onto politics and economics.

The horse announces that it has switched parties.

The shocked family asks why.

The horse responds, "I want to live a stable life."

[fredd bear]

This was sent tome by my Sis. Have no idea from whence it came.


Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.




In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Parliament.”