joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Where's our mate Beccs? I bet she fell off her scooter again!

I haven't owned a scooter since I was 8.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I poured root beer into a square glass. Now I just have beer.

Boru

[Abaddon_ire]

John Travolta was hospitalised with suspected Covid-19

He had chills that were multiplying. Tests revealed it was merely Saturday night Fever and they are sure he will be staying alive.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

John Travolta was hospitalised with suspected Covid-19

He had chills that were multiplying. Tests revealed it was merely Saturday night Fever and they are sure he will be staying alive.

That was just...perfect.

Boru

[Darinda]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.”
The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka. I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so please turn my urine into vodka.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is still excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard so they can have some fun. She gets the glass but asks him “Boris, why do we only need one glass tonight?”
Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

[A. Secular Human]

I think she's running up some new photos (she isn't, but don't take that away from me).

Boru

I hope so.  The old ones have been quite nice.  (She sneaked the arrows one between a couple of goodies...)

---

I poured root beer into a square glass. Now I just have beer.

Boru

If I yell "GO SCULPINS! at my mug", does that make it a root beer?

[The Valkyrie]

Never bang a magician.

"I'm coming!"

"No you're not!"

"Check behind your ear!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Good advice. I prefer sword swallowers anyway.

Boru

[Darinda]

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife.

“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . .about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!” says the pro.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The neighbours called the cops because the wife and I were making too much noise during sex. We were both arrested for refusing to come quietly.


Boru