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joke time
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A goose is waiting to cross the road.
A chicken behind him says, "I woudn't bother, mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it!" Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???" 
Why did chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum that it CAN be done. 
It would be terrible for the CEO of IKEA to be elected prime minister of Sweden. He'd spend all his time assembling his cabinet.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
A man goes to a hospital and sees a man masturbating.
He asks the nurse why is he doing so. The nurse explains to him that if he doesn't masturbate every 6 hours there would be a clot and he would die. Then in the next room, he sees a nurse giving a blowjob to a guy. He then says, "You will have to explain this." The nurse replies, "Same problem better insurance."
Tim is cuddling under the blankets with his wife on a very cold night.
"My arse is freezing!" she says. "Let me check, " Tim says and goes under the blanket. A few moments later he reappears and say, "It's like Siberia!" "It's that cold?" she laughs. "No, it's fucking massive!" Tim will be missed. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked people to make donations to battered stupid men charities. Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
Joe was kicked out of school for letting a girl give him a hand-job.
"That's three schools in two years!" his mother says angrilly! "If you keep this up, you"ll never be allowed to teach again!" Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
I'm writing a book about how to survive a fall down a staircase. It'll be a step-by-step guide.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
An atheist and a Christian strike up a conversation on a short plane flight.
The Christian can't help himself and suggests that they discuss God. The Atheist asks if he can ask a question first. He asks, since the cow, the deer and the horse all eat grass, why do they poo patties, pellets and clumps? The Theist shrugs and says he has no idea? The atheist then asks: You wish to talk about God, the creator of the universe but you don't know shit?
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the human brain. You know, because of all the indoor fins.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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