joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The term "Domestic Housewife" implies that, somewhere, there are feral housewives.

Got one.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Old Seamus is on his deathbed. Kneeling by the bedside is Mary, his wife of 40 years. Around the bed stand his four sons - three of the biggest, brawest men you've ever seen, and one wee, pale, puny little nothing of a man.

'Mary...Mary, me darlin girl,' wheezes the old man, 'tell me true. That skinny, weedy runt at the foot of the bed - his he truly me own son?'

Through her tears, Mary says, 'My love, I swear by all the saints and martyrs, he is. He is your son.'

Seamus gives his final gasp and expires. Mary rolls her eyes heavenward and says, 'Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I was at the beach some time ago and I heard a guy in the water shouting, "Help me. Shark! Help me!!"

And I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

[Darinda]

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus…
Wife: What do you mean?
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
On hearing that the wife retorts, “AWESOME, you do that, I’ll do a Mary and show up pregnant untouched by my husband.”
The man stayed home.

[The Valkyrie]

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when they see the open boot (trunk) of the car that they start to panic.

[A. Secular Human]

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when they see the open boot (trunk) of the car that they start to panic.

Thank you for the English-"English" translation.

(Guess which one is in quotes.)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor and asks for a complete physical. The doctor draws blood, takes a urine sample, checks the man's heart, O2 levels, blood pressure - the works. The man asks if anything was left undone.

The doctor answers, 'We, we could do a sperm count, but at your age...' The man interrupts and says, 'Doctor, when I said a complete physical, that's exactly what I meant!' So, the doctor hands him a glass jar, tells him to go home and bring back a semen sample the next day.

When the man returns, the jar is clean and empty. The doctor asks why, and the man says, 'Well, first I tried with my right hand. No luck. Then I tried with my left hand - still nothing. My wife tried with her right hand, then her left, nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out - still nothing. So we called the woman next door. She came over and tried with both hands, then her armpit, then the back of her knee. You see the results.'

'Wait,' says the doctor. 'You asked your neighbour??'

'Yup. And none of us could get this damned jar open!'

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I’ve decided to get myself a pet termite and I’m going to name him Clint. Clint Eatswood.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I’ve decided to get myself a pet termite and I’m going to name him Clint. Clint Eatswood.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

^That’s just mean, that is.

Boru