Offensive Jokes

[Thumpalumpacus]

How many people can you fit into a Volkswagen? Four, and another six million in the ashtray.

You know what a battered wife does? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

[Lemonvariable72]

So a newfie walks into a local bar, and in the corner of this bar there is a donkey tied to a post with a signing reading "Make this donkey laugh and you win 100$ and a free drink for everyone." With a smile the mewfie accepts, he walks up the donkey whipsers something and then the donkey is on the floor laughing so hard they have to call the vet. Bar owner pays up and its a good night for all.
Next weekend the same donkey is the same corner, only this time the sign read "Make this donkey cry, you get 200$ and 2 drinks for all." Newfie smirks again and strides upto the donkey, stops just short with his back everyone and suddenly the donkey begins to bawl.
Later that night the bar tender asks the newfie "how did you make the donkey respond like that?" The newf chuckles and says "First I told him my dick was bigger, then I showed him."

[Little lunch]

Why do you wrap guinea pigs in gaffa tape?
So they don't bust when you fuck them.

What's better than having sex with a dog?
Nothing.

---

Hitler only committed suicide because of his massive gas bill.

[Losty]

What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?


Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he’s thirteen.

[KUSA]

GUYS SENSITIVITY EXAM

1. IN THE COMPANY OF FEMALES, INTERCOURSE SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. YOU SHOULD MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN FOR THE FIRST TIME ONLY AFTER YOU'VE BOTH SHARED:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. A bottle of tequila.

3. YOU ALWAYS TIME YOUR ORGASM SO THAT:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

4. PASSIONATE, SPONTANEOUS SEX ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT CUDDLING A WOMAN YOU'VE JUST HAD SEX WITH IS:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE'S GAINED FIVE POUNDS IN THE LAST MONTH. YOU TELL HER THAT IT IS:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. YOU THINK TODAY'S SENSITIVE, CARING MAN IS:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A fag.

8. FOREPLAY IS TO SEX AS:
A. An appetiser is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A WOMAN WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

-If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

---

What do you call 3 black guys in the back of a barn?
Antique farm equipment

How do Mexicans play basketball?
Juan-on-Juan

I hate tacos, said noJuan ever

Why do Mexican drive low riders?
Easier to pick the lettuce

What do you call a white guy driving a Cadillac?
Stockbroker

What do you call black guy driving a Cadillac?
Pimp

What you call a Mexican driving a Cadillac?
Grand theft auto

What do you call 100 white guys running down a hillside?
Avalanche

What do you call 100 black guys running down a hillside?
Mudslide

What do you call 100 Mexicans running down a hillside?
Jail break

Black guy and a Puerto Rican in a car, who's driving?
The cop

---

Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them. The first one starts to write out the sign "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..." "Hold on" says the second "Those are girls gym shorts". "No they're not" says the first "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look "No, no... definitely girls gym shorts!" The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!" "No, girls shorts!" "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts, but not from my parish!

---

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk. "What type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. "Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

[*Deidre*]

Saw this on a website:

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.

(I don't get it)

[KUSA]

[Losty]

The hardest part about being a pedophile....

...fitting in.

[Losty]

Jokes stolen from FFTT that made me laugh really hard.

- What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?

Rolaids.


-Jesus Christ fed 2000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

Big whoop! Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

- What do you call a 5 year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

- What do Iron Man and Sarah Palin have in common?

They both had a downey jr in them.

- I saw a bunch of black guys sitting on a frozen lake not talking so I thought I'd go break the ice.

[Thumpalumpacus]

-Jesus Christ fed 2000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

Big whoop! Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

Hey, Holocause jokes aren't funny. My gramps died in Auschwitz ... he fell off a guard tower.