Jokes section ?

[Godless]

As a newbie here I looked to see if there was a special Atheist/religion/etc jokes section on this forum.
I found a joke thread but that hasn't been active for some time. Pity.
So how about a joke section admin for a little light relief from the burden of being an Atheist?
Here's one to start if you so wish....

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kids where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.
"Jesus lives in my heart."
"Very good." said the teacher.
She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in Heaven."
Very good said the teacher.

Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny but finally did.
"Jesus lives in the bathroom."
After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the bathroom.

"Every morning mummy goes into the bathroom to wash. Half an hour later when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?""


Albert.

[Overmars]

A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"


God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

[Overmars]

This isn't a religious joke but is so awesome:

---

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

---

[Tiberius]

Hehe, I'd say that's a pretty good description of socialism in action

[Godless]

The British Prayer
"Gordon Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work.
He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Brown has anointed my income with taxes.
My expenses runneth over my income.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From henceforth we will live all the days of our Lives in a rented home with
an overseas landlord."

AMEN

Albert

[Retorth]

Half an hour later when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

LOL Good one, Godless! I'll try to find some or think up some and share!

[Dotard]

Grasshopper story realisticly told:

Squirrel hires grasshoppers for minimum wage. No other work is available and there are families to feed so grasshoppers take the work. They toil 12 hours a day and at the end of the week spend 99% of their wages on food and shelter knowing the food will be gone by next week and the rent will be due again so grudgenly go back to work monday morning.

Winter comes and squirrel is fat and comfy. He fires all the grasshoppers because they are not needed to fill his coffers during the winter.

The cold comes along with the rent and hunger. The grasshoppers plead to the squirrel for help thru the winter reminding him it is because of their hard work he has five times the needed food for the winter.

Squirrel replies to the grasshoppers it is their own fault they are poor, didn't work longer, find a better job, save their earnings, had children and, since he found a marijuana cigarette butt in their workplace, they are "on drugs". He also found an empty beer can in the grasshopper's neighborhood, and a cheap ass homemade swingset for the grasshopper children, so they must be wasting all their earnings on beer and shit they "don't need".
Squirrel also noted since all the positions he had were full the grasshoppers he didn't hire must be a bunch of lazy-good-for-nothing-moochers who just "don't want to work".

Squirrel concludes the grasshoppers are unworthy of food and shelter and releases the hounds to chase them away from his home. The grasshoppers die in the cold including the baby grasshoppers, but hey, it's their fault for having babies.

-OR-

The grasshoppers storm the squirrels's home and toss his fat ass out into the cold and the grasshoppers survive thru the winter.

[Overmars]

Hmm...not much of a capitalist lover or am I wrong Dotard?

[Rhizomorph13]

I'm glad that I am a semi-skilled Grasshopper that is willing to work and hasn't been caught using drugs. I play all the time and still have enough to buy food, beer, and weed. Snooch!

Rhizo

[Violet]

Capitalism and communism both have serious faults... and serious advantages...

But neither is a system that values hard work... in socialism: hard work is valueless, because those who are unemployed obtain little more money for working their asses off...

And in capitalism: hard work is not often a part of the equation... the hardest working burger flipper is payed only to be a burger flipper, and is paid no more for doing their job well. Capitalism gives often to the lucky, not usually to those with ability.