Jokes section ?

[Godless]

As a newbie here I looked to see if there was a special Atheist/religion/etc jokes section on this forum.
I found a joke thread but that hasn't been active for some time. Pity.
So how about a joke section admin for a little light relief from the burden of being an Atheist?
Here's one to start if you so wish....

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kids where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.
"Jesus lives in my heart."
"Very good." said the teacher.
She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in Heaven."
Very good said the teacher.

Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny but finally did.
"Jesus lives in the bathroom."
After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the bathroom.

"Every morning mummy goes into the bathroom to wash. Half an hour later when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?""


Albert.

[Overmars]

A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"


God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

[Overmars]

[Tiberius]

Hehe, I'd say that's a pretty good description of socialism in action

[Godless]

The British Prayer
"Gordon Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work.
He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I wait for my dole, I own the bank that refuses me.
Brown has anointed my income with taxes.
My expenses runneth over my income.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
From henceforth we will live all the days of our Lives in a rented home with
an overseas landlord."

AMEN

Albert

[Retorth]

Half an hour later when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

LOL Good one, Godless! I'll try to find some or think up some and share!

[Dotard]

Grasshopper story realisticly told:

Squirrel hires grasshoppers for minimum wage. No other work is available and there are families to feed so grasshoppers take the work. They toil 12 hours a day and at the end of the week spend 99% of their wages on food and shelter knowing the food will be gone by next week and the rent will be due again so grudgenly go back to work monday morning.

Winter comes and squirrel is fat and comfy. He fires all the grasshoppers because they are not needed to fill his coffers during the winter.

The cold comes along with the rent and hunger. The grasshoppers plead to the squirrel for help thru the winter reminding him it is because of their hard work he has five times the needed food for the winter.

Squirrel replies to the grasshoppers it is their own fault they are poor, didn't work longer, find a better job, save their earnings, had children and, since he found a marijuana cigarette butt in their workplace, they are "on drugs". He also found an empty beer can in the grasshopper's neighborhood, and a cheap ass homemade swingset for the grasshopper children, so they must be wasting all their earnings on beer and shit they "don't need".
Squirrel also noted since all the positions he had were full the grasshoppers he didn't hire must be a bunch of lazy-good-for-nothing-moochers who just "don't want to work".

Squirrel concludes the grasshoppers are unworthy of food and shelter and releases the hounds to chase them away from his home. The grasshoppers die in the cold including the baby grasshoppers, but hey, it's their fault for having babies.

-OR-

The grasshoppers storm the squirrels's home and toss his fat ass out into the cold and the grasshoppers survive thru the winter.

[Overmars]

Hmm...not much of a capitalist lover or am I wrong Dotard?

[Rhizomorph13]

I'm glad that I am a semi-skilled Grasshopper that is willing to work and hasn't been caught using drugs. I play all the time and still have enough to buy food, beer, and weed. Snooch!

Rhizo

[Violet]

Capitalism and communism both have serious faults... and serious advantages...

But neither is a system that values hard work... in socialism: hard work is valueless, because those who are unemployed obtain little more money for working their asses off...

And in capitalism: hard work is not often a part of the equation... the hardest working burger flipper is payed only to be a burger flipper, and is paid no more for doing their job well. Capitalism gives often to the lucky, not usually to those with ability.