Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[Brian37]

I think you're a cool person and I don't think having difficulty conceiving makes you a "dud." There's so much more to value in a person.
That issue is just a biological thing and in no way affects your value as a person.

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That is a great point. Far to often society sells shallow solutions like "just do it" and say horrible things like "what's your problem, buck it up".

I know my problems are genetic because I see the same behaviors in my two sisters and my older brother and even my cousin. I think it is horrible that far too many people vilify others with problems. 

I suffered tremendously as a kid not understanding this. I blamed myself for not fitting in and that caused me horrible self loathing and I made myself a doormat trying to fit in. That was compounded by my my LD, depression and anxiety too.

You have to value yourself first. You will never be happy with others or be happy with what you can get, until you value yourself first. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will communicate well better with others and you wont stress the small stuff as much.

But again, as others have said, that is simply my personal point of view. Nobody here can replace an in person face to face professional.

I do wish you well CL.

[Catholic_Lady]

I had and sometimes still have those kinds of feelings.  I have type 1 bipolar disorder and PTSD though.  The former has in the past contributed to me doing some very dreadful things that are thankfully no longer an issue.  I hurt people though and it ultimately had a lot with ending my marriage.  My ex-wife simply couldn't handle a seriously mentally ill spouse.  I've been sick off and on since I was a young child, and I'm almost 50 now.

What has helped me is therapy - both cognitive behavior therapy and dialectic behavior therapy, amongst other therapies.  I've been continuously in therapy since 2009, and had a spottier record of therapy since I was 17 or so.  Also medication, which not everyone needs.  I do.  I still have episodes but they aren't as severe.  

Those feelings of worthlessness and anxiety has contributed in two voluntary inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations in the last year, and perhaps half a dozen when I was 17-18, I can't recall exactly.  I was misdiagnosed, and therefore prescribed fairly ineffective medication until 2009.

You say you haven't have any mental illness several times.  If it's causing you distress to a degree that it causes a decline in function, it might actually qualify as mental illness.  Either way, a therapist might be your best bet.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story.  I had no idea you were in psychiatric hospitalization. That's really hard. I'm glad you've been able to get help through therapy and battle on through this. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to go through a divorce all while trying to deal with your own internal struggles. 

I see there's a lot of people suggesting a see a therapist. I guess I just don't know that I really need to or that it would help. I am able to function like a normal person, I just feel very down on myself because I haven't been able to accomplish anything or give my life any meaning, especially with the infertility.

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C_L, been there, done that. It sucks.

Just a thought, try getting out of yourself. By that I mean make an effort to do something for others, not just you, not just your husband.

Hell, you're catholic, are they not part of your family? We've talked about the great things catholic charities do. Give volunteering a try, a worthy career. I've found that when I get out and help others that my "poor me's" tend to melt away. Let's me see that I don't have it nearly as bad as I thought I did. My issues pale in comparison. 

Not your cup o tea? How about caring for animals? We know you love that, ya cat hoarder. Warning, this can often be bitter sweet. 

I think there all kinds of things that you could excel at, you just need to look around and test the waters.

BTW, temp infertility =/= no motherhood. Have you and hubby talked about other options? Quality foster's, or even big sisters, are in demand. Put on a nun's habit and do after school care. hehehe

Had enough raw raw yet?

I was more involved with my Church doing volunteer/charity stuff with them when I was a teenager and they had a youth group, but since moving away and being part of a new parish I haven't gotten involved at all. I guess it's the introvert in me kinda holding me back. It's easier when you're a teenager and you know everyone because it's the parish you grew up in, but everyone in the church I got to now are strangers, and getting involved with them for charities/etc would mean going to meetings with a room full of people I don't know.... 

But you are right that I should look for fulfillment doing some kind of service for others. I know many people who feel like me and aren't really doing anything with their lives are drawn in that direction. It's just a matter of stepping out of my comfort zone I suppose.

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I understand you 100%. I have felt the same thing of not being good at anything that can be a career and feeling like my life would be fulfilled with being a mother. I too went through 6 years of being told they didn't know why I couldn't have kids. During those six years I came to terms with it may never happen and I had to accept that I was just a good person doing the best I can and helping others. We resolved that if we couldn't have any of our own we would adopt. I had to accept that it was a possibility I would never feel a child grow in me but I knew that if I could give a good home to another life even if I hadn't been the one to give them the life it made me worthwhile. I know nothing anyone says will make you have self worth but there are other things in life that can help give you the fulfilling life.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, infertility is extremely painful. Especially after a baby loss. 

I saw on facebook that you are expecting. I'm sorry I didn't congratulate you. I must admit I've been too jealous and bitter to congratulate my pregnant friends/acquaintances. If I may ask, how did you finally make it happen? Anything you'd recommend? Sorry, I know this is personal. No need to respond if you don't want to.

[Shell B]

Well, there's a lot I could say, but I'm unfortunately rushing to finish work and head out on a date with Tibs. I really want to remember to revisit this, though, so expect more from me later.

1. There's no such thing as a true calling. You weren't born to be something, even if god has a plan for you. Fuck, especially if god has a plan for you. (What's the point in being religious if you don't believe god has a plan for you?! Use god as a crutch when you feel like shit. Otherwise, you're not getting anything from this relationship. )

2. There's no shame in being a housewife. You're not a fucking brood mare. Not being super fertile or even being infertile is not a failure. It doesn't make you a dud wife. The only shame you should feel is for thinking that about yourself. (Strike that. Don't feel shame, but know that I'm shaking my finger at you. Don't be ridiculous.)

3. Mental illness or not, you can see a therapist. You should.

4. You need hobbies, yo.

Hang in there, CL. You're a cool cat.

Edit: I once spent my birthday laying in a bed in a mental ward staring out the window. I know these feelings.

[Catholic_Lady]

I think you're a cool person and I don't think having difficulty conceiving makes you a "dud." There's so much more to value in a person.
That issue is just a biological thing and in no way affects your value as a person.

Sent from my LGL52VL using Tapatalk

That is a great point. Far to often society sells shallow solutions like "just do it" and say horrible things like "what's your problem, buck it up".

I know my problems are genetic because I see the same behaviors in my two sisters and my older brother and even my cousin. I think it is horrible that far too many people vilify others with problems. 

I suffered tremendously as a kid not understanding this. I blamed myself for not fitting in and that caused me horrible self loathing and I made myself a doormat trying to fit in. That was compounded by my my LD, depression and anxiety too.

You have to value yourself first. You will never be happy with others or be happy with what you can get, until you value yourself first. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will communicate well better with others and you wont stress the small stuff as much.

But again, as others have said, that is simply my personal point of view. Nobody here can replace an in person face to face professional.

I do wish you well CL.

Sounds like you've been through a lot of these same feelings of worthlessness that I have, and have been able to get out of it. I guess it takes a lot of mental strength to be able to turn things around and have a more positive outlook and positive self image.

[Brian37]

That is a great point. Far to often society sells shallow solutions like "just do it" and say horrible things like "what's your problem, buck it up".

I know my problems are genetic because I see the same behaviors in my two sisters and my older brother and even my cousin. I think it is horrible that far too many people vilify others with problems. 

I suffered tremendously as a kid not understanding this. I blamed myself for not fitting in and that caused me horrible self loathing and I made myself a doormat trying to fit in. That was compounded by my my LD, depression and anxiety too.

You have to value yourself first. You will never be happy with others or be happy with what you can get, until you value yourself first. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will communicate well better with others and you wont stress the small stuff as much.

But again, as others have said, that is simply my personal point of view. Nobody here can replace an in person face to face professional.

I do wish you well CL.

Sounds like you've been through a lot of these same feelings of worthlessness that I have, and have been able to get out of it. I guess it takes a lot of mental strength to be able to turn things around and have a more positive outlook and positive self image.

I would not call it mental strength as much as I would call it now having more knowledge about those things. It is ok to be weak. It is how you deal with it, not that it happens.

And Shell also brought up something I had not thought of since it was a while ago, losing a baby is rough on anyone. Though it is not the same, the loss of my mom hurt too. Point being don't beat yourself up. Between the baby and now your husband leaving for training, that is a lot to deal with.

Just do yourself a favor, get help if you need to.

[LastPoet]

The point of a therapist (a psychologist would be better than a shrink) is to have an unknown unbiased person you can talk to. This is why you should never for instance consult a therapist that is an aquaintance of you. It is not to get you diagnosed with whatever, is to talk to a trained professional that does not know you at all. Perhaps you are just feeling down, quite normal.

Other than that, there is alot of stuff to do. I suffer the opposite, I drown myself in stuff to do.Work, Sofia Time, howse shores, water tomatoes, take care of cats and dog, trim some trees, car maintenance, make love with my wife, forum staff help, skim facebook.



Got stuff to do.

I dated a psychologist. My sister is one. Still trying for them to write a paper about my sanity.

[Astonished]

Spent time in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts. Diagnosed with major depression. Went long periods off of meds because I couldn't afford them. Mostly stable now unless the Oompa-Loompa-in-Chief takes that away.

Largely have religion to blame for driving me batty. Years spent watching grandma go nucking futs and speak in tongues in church to the point where once dementia hit, it was hard to actually tell except that she started shitting herself too. Having literally zero peers who felt the same way I did and being bullied for being the fat kid on top of that. Getting pelted by eggs from a drive-by was pretty bad. Feeling physically ill being in churches during services but having to stay there because 'you just have to'. Uncle being a total fucking zealot and one of the only male influences in my young life til he overstepped himself and made a huge mistake trying to tell a child that god believed even an innocent youth was wicked. Trying to wrap my mind around how people could possibly believe that kind of shit when it was so obviously false to a child, and having to keep that bottled up for a decade, well, not a great combo. Especially when you also have family and friends who experience incredibly painful losses like that of at least one child and yet they aren't incredibly pissed at the god they believe in who had to be responsible for taking that away from them. So hearing stories like that always still bothers the shit out of me, but probably not for the same reasons (or rather, for many more reasons than the average person would have) as most people.

I know, 25 years later and the world is a different place, the internet, FFRF and all, those are great things to have that can help young people in my shoes at that age today, didn't help me worth a fuck.

[Catholic_Lady]

I'm sorry you went through so much. Mental hospital stay and suicidal thoughts - that's some very serious stuff. I'm sorry.

[mlmooney89]

I understand you 100%. I have felt the same thing of not being good at anything that can be a career and feeling like my life would be fulfilled with being a mother. I too went through 6 years of being told they didn't know why I couldn't have kids. During those six years I came to terms with it may never happen and I had to accept that I was just a good person doing the best I can and helping others. We resolved that if we couldn't have any of our own we would adopt. I had to accept that it was a possibility I would never feel a child grow in me but I knew that if I could give a good home to another life even if I hadn't been the one to give them the life it made me worthwhile. I know nothing anyone says will make you have self worth but there are other things in life that can help give you the fulfilling life.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, infertility is extremely painful. Especially after a baby loss. 

I saw on facebook that you are expecting. I'm sorry I didn't congratulate you. I must admit I've been too jealous and bitter to congratulate my pregnant friends/acquaintances. If I may ask, how did you finally make it happen? Anything you'd recommend? Sorry, I know this is personal. No need to respond if you don't want to.

Oh I know that jealousy bug too. I didn't even want to look at another friend's baby because I was so jealous. I ended up writing in a blog that I doubt more than three people read and I went into the jealousy thing. Asked why people that -I- deemed unworthy of having children got them so easily and why I was still without when I felt it was what I was supposed to do in life. I didn't want me commenting on this to be about me being pregnant I wanted it to be about the fact that I understand the feeling of not feeling accomplished, expecting to by being a mother, and getting those hopes dashed. Hell even pregnant I'm feeling it because I can't quit my job due to financial reasons and someone else will be taking care of my child for most of the day. I feel like the one thing I've set my heart on being accomplished in I won't even get right.

As for how it was fixed was because my doctor realized I had PCOS which is a disorder that leads to diabetes so he figured we could go down that path. He gave me medicine that made me really sick but it evened out my insulin levels (They weren't crazy enough for me to actually have diabetes but crazy enough to make my body stop ovulating. Once the levels were fixed my body did what it was supposed to by itself. Of course I was so sick on the meds I didn't notice when the meds stopped making me sick and turned into morning sickness so I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 2 months in.

[Jesster]

I think this is a fine place to discuss this, but I'm not personally ready to talk about it so openly today. I'll just say that I've been here far too much and leave it at that.