Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[ErGingerbreadMandude]

You know, I probably seem like a really confident person with no insecurities or issues both here and irl but honestly I'm a mess. I had a dad that never acknowledged me unless I was the best in anything I did. Which really pushed me, I absolutely had to be first. I remember once I really pushed myself to be first in a college 100m race that I was sick for a week puking, muscle pain and even caught a fever and the time that I felt like a complete failure when I had university's second most highest mark. It may seem nice but I have really lost a lot of opportunities because I was afraid I won't be the best in it and that's a shit feeling because deep down I've had things I really wanted to do whether it be academic, music, sports or even relationship but I'd have this thought put on repeat inside my head "What if you lose then everybody will see how worthless you are" and I just nope out of that because I'm scared, I'm scared of being seen as a weak good for nothing coward. It also made me super competitive because I absolutely had to win everything, it worsened to the point that people secretly hated me. Anyway, long story short there was a test to get placement in a big shot company and I didn't get the offer but 3 of my friends did. Normally, people would be like "ah screw it" and congratulate their friends but not me, I was so pissed and bitter and whatever I didn't congratulate any of my friends and didn't take any calls I was getting. I told my bro everything that happened and he blew up on me asking me to call my friends and congratulate them which I did but I was still bitter as fuck. I just didn't like losing. I mean, it's probably not as bad as some people have around here but I was honestly depressed for like straight up 2 months. I just locked myself in my room, didn't eat much, just stayed in the dark contemplating my worthlessness. All that even though I was pretty much unrivaled both academically and athletically, I even once did a "fashion show"(I know I know) walking on the ramp thing wearing a weird dress(and even makeup, fuck! I know I know) and got 1st prize but all that was in my mind was that one thick fat failure which pretty much in my mind overshadowed all of my accomplishments. Anyhow after 2 months of "depression" and further 3 months of not having the usual self esteem, generally feeling down and low energy to participate or attend any events - I got the news that a college that was about a 200km away was hosting a competition. I assembled my squad and decided we'd go for the event together with most of the class. Well, to cut things short our team which I was the leader of which really was just me and my friend won first prize. Shit me giggles fuck me dry I was so overjoyed and I picked my friend up despite my back issues and literally threw him up I don't know what I was thinking I was just really really REALLY happy(crazy happy even) and with our cash prize we gave a treat for all my friends and I gave all the reminding money to my sis for her to buy a new phone (which I broke), pleased with my "kind" gesture my dad bought me a new phone!! Really, I was at the top of the moons flying high, I quickly got my jive back and was back to myself in no time. I was just really happy.

So anyway the point of my rather long and boring post was talking to someone didn't help me, the only possible outcome that had for me was getting into acceptance that I was just a loser which only made me feel even worse. The only thing that helped me blow bazookas out the pit I was in and emerge with "rocketman"(Sanandreas reference) was feeling like a winner by actually risking losing but in the end winning. You don't need my advice, you're way older than me and have more than enough life experiences in your pockets but I can't help but try to make you feel better. So my "advice" would be to find something you're good at and kick ass. Like if your cooking is to die for make and sell little things to your neighbors. Or you could engage in stitching clothes, or do charity work. Basically work, work hard, work harder and when people look you in the eye with admiration and overjoyed that they thank their lucky stars for having you in their lives you'll have finally crawled - no flied out your pit with new born wings of an angel (you already look the part so that's one down isn't it )

[Brian37]

Actually it is very dangerous to push your body too far, your muscles can build up toxins and that is what gets you sick. 

But as far as grades, yes everyone should get the best education they cant but the math simply isnt there for everyone to get a 4.0 all at the same time. Plus some people are not as good at one subject as they can be at another. 

Parents far too often treat kids as something to make clones of themselves and that simply isn't the case. My mom and dad tried to shape me too, but it simply does not work. A kid certainly need parameters and guidance and rules, but ultimately they are still individuals. It is a bit disconcerting that your dad simply could not be happy with what you did. It is still far better than many.

[ErGingerbreadMandude]

Thanks Brian

[Brian37]

Thanks Brian

I can totally relate. My adoptive dad was abusive, I never really pushed that issue with my mom after he died, she loved him. And my mom was a bit of a perfectionist herself. I really have to give her credit though, she was far more protective of me growing up than I realized, but even she wanted to "toughen me up".

To her credit as I became an adult and especially in college when I met my now X wife, she loosed up alot and gradually started seeing me for me. Even morso when I moved down here where I am now to take care of her because of her health problems. I only wish we could have had that understanding growing up but there is no manual for kids or parents, although conflict resolution communication should be taught in schools at a young age. 

Mom  with me growing up was horrible with holidays and birthdays growing up. Everything had to be perfect and that terrified me and I couldn't enjoy the day because I was afraid of her getting mad. But again, people can and do change and she did. But our parents were of the WW2 generation and gender roles were far more rigid and more people had a do
or die mentality, so it wasn't just my mom, that was more a climate.

I am worried about the orange asshat because his dad just reading up on him is far worse because he verbally abused him and was given the funds to turn around and bully others in business, and now he is running the nation.

Point being, you are not alone.

[Edwardo Piet]

My dad used to grab me around the throat up against the living room door when I was like 12. I thought that was just something dads did when they were angry. Was shocked when I learned that was abusive.

What were his reasons? I didn't lay the table fast enough for dinner.

[Catholic_Lady]

CL, based on the pictures you shared here when you joined, you are are a very beautiful woman. I know that's a superficial thing but I'm sure your husband appreciates it. You also seem to be a very charismatic person - You're a theist and Min hasn't even insulted you yet. That's a very handy thing because it's a great communication tool. People are much more likely to open their mind to what you have to say when they like you.

I'm sure you have other positives which haven't come across through the limited lens of a message forum.

Regarding the therapist thing:  I pride myself on being level-headed but I will admit to a few things:

1. I spent 3 days in a psychiatric ward in Florida in 2010 because I was suicidal. I got over it. This shit happens though. We have our strengths but our vulnerabilities too.

2. I have an infatuation with actress Barbara Eden - I guess like Brian37's thing with ABBA. I mention this because Barbara suffered a miscarriage at 8 months. Her doctors felt it was far too dangerous to induce labor and her profession precluded getting a C-section - scars don't look good on an actress. She carried a dead baby for a month and then delivered it. It never even occurred to her to seek therapy for this. She never went through a grieving stage and this led to a mental breakdown. It wrecked her 16-year marriage among other things. Google it. There are many interviews with her where she speaks candidly about it.

CL, you might be more in need of therapy than you realize. I'm not a woman so I can't relate but I know the strong-willed Barbara Eden paid a price for blowing off therapy. Admittedly, her experience was worse than yours but it's a similar situation. Make sure you have properly come to terms with your unfortunate experience so that it doesn't have long-term aftereffects. Like I said earlier, we have our strengths but our weaknesses as well. It's no shame to admit that.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I know who Barbara Eden is but had no idea she had been through something like that. It's just awful. I'll have to read her story, and yes it was definitely worse than what I went through because she was further along than I was. It's amazing what people can go through and get out of. And that goes with you too for being at the lowest of lows in a psych ward and overcoming it.

---

I have felt like a worthless failure and loser ever since I was 18 and I was unable to achieve all the ridiculous expectations my dad expected of me. Now no matter how well I do at something... I'll feel like a failure... unless I literally get 100%.

He always wanted me to be the best player in the world at a game and win money though... and just getting a little better at Age of Empires 2 makes me feel a lot better about myself at this point. Because that has been my favorite game since I was 12 and that was also the game he pushed me to become world class at... which took a lot of the fun out of it. So I am sort of trying to get my childhood back.

Oh and also fuck I love that game.

But yeah I find myself having to remind myself that any improvement at this game is a success... I recently wrote a guide for more inexperienced players and they said how helpful it was and I almost cried because I feel like this pathetic failure despite being better than 90% of people at the game.

Here's some of the reactions I got:

That was very well detailed and helpful information, thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I learnt alot from it and am starting to realize why I struggle sometimes with the mistakes I make.

I will take in all of this information and hopefully improve with more practise and I hope Vec0 takes the time to read it and improve aswell, have fun all.

Totally agree - very impressed too and "much work for a stranger" . Chapeau / nicely done.

Regards,

t. L.

Thank you a lot! i read everything and i should definitely try to improve step by step so i dont get lost. I even feel a bit ashame for doing so many dumb things without thinking about their goal and also thank you for these information for exemple the 25%hill damage/resistence bonus, i though it ony apply on buildings :/

It also seems like i have read some bad guides or maybe i mixed all the informations because they were advertising differente villager organisation and economic upgrades.

Your analyse will make my gaming experience way less frustrating because i can now focus in improving instead of feeling completly lost.

Thank you!

That did made me feel all warm inside for a little while... and yet before I know it I'll still be telling myself I suck.

May seem trvial to some, most or even all of you since it's 'only a game'. But I've never had a job and my dad pushed me to make money through winning tournaments in video games. He like literally believed he was a genius and all his children were geninuses because he's a genius dad teaching them to be geniuses and giving them his genius genes. He used to say shit like "THERE'S SO MUCH IN ME!".

He didn't just encourage me and tell me I could be good at stuff if I wanted it. He didn't even tell me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. He told me I WOULD and WILL succeed at being the BEST in the WORLD at everything. Now.... that kind of encouragement just had the effect of making me feel like a total failure no matter how well I did because of the absurd expectations he was instilling n me.

Yes, sounds like you and I have had a lot of the same feelings. I'm sorry about your dad making you feel like a failure. From what it sounds like, it seems he meant well in encouraging you but didn't go about it the right way, and never gave you the validation you needed. And the physical abuse is horrible too. I can't imagine one of my parents doing that to me and how it would effect me for the rest of my life.

[The Industrial Atheist]

My dad used to grab me around the throat up against the living room door when I was like 12. I thought that was just something dads did when they were angry. Was shocked when I learned that was abusive.

What were his reasons? I didn't lay the table fast enough for dinner.

Wow Hammy I'm so sorry you went through that.

[Brian37]

My dad used to grab me around the throat up against the living room door when I was like 12. I thought that was just something dads did when they were angry. Was shocked when I learned that was abusive.

What were his reasons? I didn't lay the table fast enough for dinner.

There is no reason for that one bit. My adoptive father growing up we had a second house in Annapolis MD and a boat there too. One day I went out to play what was called at the time, "smear the queer" with the other boys in the marina who were bigger and a couple years older. The game was you threw the football up in the air and whom ever caught it everyone tackled. Didn't take me long to realize I was in over my head. After a few minutes of getting slammed and even punched I quit and went back to our boat.

Dad was there drunk off his ass, really didn't know it at the time, but looking back it was obvious because he always had beer with him, sometimes even while driving. Anyway, I tried to explain to him the other boys were too big, but he didn't want to hear any of it. He stood up, punched me in the stomach and told me to go back out there and play. Truth was on top of being raised with a "boys don't cry" it was merely a matter of him not wanting to baby sit me at the moment.

You scar children by doing that and they carry that with them their entire lives. And it doesn't matter if they grow up to be successful and non violent, it still creates problems with trust and problems in personal relationships. But far too often the abused child grows up to abuse themselves.

[Catholic_Lady]

Hobbies save me from my thoughts. Seriously, I have so many. I started learning to play piano a few months ago, I do pyrography, I paint, I draw, I do puzzles, I dabble in French, I hike, I garden poorly, I play video games, I read, I write constantly, etc. Without them, I'm not sure I could stand the passing of time.

All of that said, I run maybe seven blogs in different topics. Only one of them makes any money, so I don't pay for guest posts, but I'm happy to let people write and post anonymously or under their own names. My mental health blog would probably be the best fit for you to get some shit off your chest. I could even help you set up your own blog so you can have something to do. Tibs and I might start a hiking blog. If you want to map hikes where you are, we would love to collaborate with you. If there's anything we can do to help you stay occupied, even as far as having you come visit and chill by the ocean, let us know. I'm anxious a lot, but I hear I'm a good hostess.

Wow, this is incredibly nice of you to offer help like this. 

I must admit I don't have a lot of hobbies because I feel like I'm juts not good or naturally gifted at anything. I'm one of those people where if I'm not good at something, I don't enjoy doing it. I know for a lot of people it's about doing something over and over again so that you can eventually get good at it. I admit I'm quick to lose motivation and don't take failure well at all when I don't do something very well. I'm sure that's part of my problem in general. I do stuff around the house to pass time and distract me, like clean, do groceries, make dinner, do meal prep for my husband's breakfast/lunch for the week, go for walks around the neighborhood, visit with friends, etc. They are distractions and do help, but at the end of the day they don't change the reality so it's a limited satisfaction.   

I don't read books but there are various blogs I like to read, though I've never considered writing one. I have read your mental health blog several months ago and was blown away by the things you have to deal with. You mentioned things that I didn't even know existed like intrusive thoughts. It's amazing the strength it must take to deal with these things on a daily basis and still move forward. You are a strong woman. I may take you up on the offer of writing a guest post about self image and see if there's enough there to actually start my own blog at some point. I've never done much writing though, so we'll see. 

I do like to hike, though unfortunately there isn't much of that around here except for the desert. I would love to visit sometime, if I can. The Appalachians are beautiful. Now that Brian got his next assignment he'll most certainly deploy sooner or later and I intend on doing some traveling during that time so I'm not just home by myself.

[Shell B]

You're welcome to test the water with my blog any time you want. You've got the faculties. You essentially wrote a blog post on the first page of this thread. There are lots of topics you could have a blog about. You're a military wife and seem pretty passionate about that.

We live closer to the ocean than the mountains, but we're still not far from the mountains.