Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[Catholic_Lady]

I'm sorry Jesster.

Feeling worthless is a horrible feeling. No need to share your story if you are not ready. Just know that you are not alone.

[AFTT47]

CL, based on the pictures you shared here when you joined, you are are a very beautiful woman. I know that's a superficial thing but I'm sure your husband appreciates it. You also seem to be a very charismatic person - You're a theist and Min hasn't even insulted you yet. That's a very handy thing because it's a great communication tool. People are much more likely to open their mind to what you have to say when they like you.

I'm sure you have other positives which haven't come across through the limited lens of a message forum.

Regarding the therapist thing: I pride myself on being level-headed but I will admit to a few things:

1. I spent 3 days in a psychiatric ward in Florida in 2010 because I was suicidal. I got over it. This shit happens though. We have our strengths but our vulnerabilities too.

2. I have an infatuation with actress Barbara Eden - I guess like Brian37's thing with ABBA. I mention this because Barbara suffered a miscarriage at 8 months. Her doctors felt it was far too dangerous to induce labor and her profession precluded getting a C-section - scars don't look good on an actress. She carried a dead baby for a month and then delivered it. It never even occurred to her to seek therapy for this. She never went through a grieving stage and this led to a mental breakdown. It wrecked her 16-year marriage among other things. Google it. There are many interviews with her where she speaks candidly about it.

CL, you might be more in need of therapy than you realize. I'm not a woman so I can't relate but I know the strong-willed Barbara Eden paid a price for blowing off therapy. Admittedly, her experience was worse than yours but it's a similar situation. Make sure you have properly come to terms with your unfortunate experience so that it doesn't have long-term aftereffects. Like I said earlier, we have our strengths but our weaknesses as well. It's no shame to admit that.

[Edwardo Piet]

I have felt like a worthless failure and loser ever since I was 18 and I was unable to achieve all the ridiculous expectations my dad expected of me. Now no matter how well I do at something... I'll feel like a failure... unless I literally get 100%.

He always wanted me to be the best player in the world at a game and win money though... and just getting a little better at Age of Empires 2 makes me feel a lot better about myself at this point. Because that has been my favorite game since I was 12 and that was also the game he pushed me to become world class at... which took a lot of the fun out of it. So I am sort of trying to get my childhood back.

Oh and also fuck I love that game.

But yeah I find myself having to remind myself that any improvement at this game is a success... I recently wrote a guide for more inexperienced players and they said how helpful it was and I almost cried because I feel like this pathetic failure despite being better than 90% of people at the game.

Here's some of the reactions I got:

That was very well detailed and helpful information, thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I learnt alot from it and am starting to realize why I struggle sometimes with the mistakes I make.

I will take in all of this information and hopefully improve with more practise and I hope Vec0 takes the time to read it and improve aswell, have fun all.

Totally agree - very impressed too and "much work for a stranger" . Chapeau / nicely done.

Regards,

t. L.

Thank you a lot! i read everything and i should definitely try to improve step by step so i dont get lost. I even feel a bit ashame for doing so many dumb things without thinking about their goal and also thank you for these information for exemple the 25%hill damage/resistence bonus, i though it ony apply on buildings :/

It also seems like i have read some bad guides or maybe i mixed all the informations because they were advertising differente villager organisation and economic upgrades.

Your analyse will make my gaming experience way less frustrating because i can now focus in improving instead of feeling completly lost.

Thank you!

That did made me feel all warm inside for a little while... and yet before I know it I'll still be telling myself I suck.

May seem trvial to some, most or even all of you since it's 'only a game'. But I've never had a job and my dad pushed me to make money through winning tournaments in video games. He like literally believed he was a genius and all his children were geninuses because he's a genius dad teaching them to be geniuses and giving them his genius genes. He used to say shit like "THERE'S SO MUCH IN ME!".

He didn't just encourage me and tell me I could be good at stuff if I wanted it. He didn't even tell me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. He told me I WOULD and WILL succeed at being the BEST in the WORLD at everything. Now.... that kind of encouragement just had the effect of making me feel like a total failure no matter how well I did because of the absurd expectations he was instilling n me.

[ignoramus]

Hobbies, Hobbes, hobbies.
Fill in your time.

Now you got me wondering what all the retired oldies do with their free time?
When I watch the depressing news in other countries, I actually feel extremely lucky.

For them, finding something to do in their spare time would be something so far out of reach, they couldn't even contemplate it.

Time to reset the baseline.

[Shell B]

Hobbies save me from my thoughts. Seriously, I have so many. I started learning to play piano a few months ago, I do pyrography, I paint, I draw, I do puzzles, I dabble in French, I hike, I garden poorly, I play video games, I read, I write constantly, etc. Without them, I'm not sure I could stand the passing of time.

All of that said, I run maybe seven blogs in different topics. Only one of them makes any money, so I don't pay for guest posts, but I'm happy to let people write and post anonymously or under their own names. My mental health blog would probably be the best fit for you to get some shit off your chest. I could even help you set up your own blog so you can have something to do. Tibs and I might start a hiking blog. If you want to map hikes where you are, we would love to collaborate with you. If there's anything we can do to help you stay occupied, even as far as having you come visit and chill by the ocean, let us know. I'm anxious a lot, but I hear I'm a good hostess.

[Jackalope]

I had and sometimes still have those kinds of feelings.  I have type 1 bipolar disorder and PTSD though.  The former has in the past contributed to me doing some very dreadful things that are thankfully no longer an issue.  I hurt people though and it ultimately had a lot with ending my marriage.  My ex-wife simply couldn't handle a seriously mentally ill spouse.  I've been sick off and on since I was a young child, and I'm almost 50 now.

What has helped me is therapy - both cognitive behavior therapy and dialectic behavior therapy, amongst other therapies.  I've been continuously in therapy since 2009, and had a spottier record of therapy since I was 17 or so.  Also medication, which not everyone needs.  I do.  I still have episodes but they aren't as severe.  

Those feelings of worthlessness and anxiety has contributed in two voluntary inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations in the last year, and perhaps half a dozen when I was 17-18, I can't recall exactly.  I was misdiagnosed, and therefore prescribed fairly ineffective medication until 2009.

You say you haven't have any mental illness several times.  If it's causing you distress to a degree that it causes a decline in function, it might actually qualify as mental illness.  Either way, a therapist might be your best bet.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story.  I had no idea you were in psychiatric hospitalization. That's really hard. I'm glad you've been able to get help through therapy and battle on through this. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to go through a divorce all while trying to deal with your own internal struggles. 

I see there's a lot of people suggesting a see a therapist. I guess I just don't know that I really need to or that it would help. I am able to function like a normal person, I just feel very down on myself because I haven't been able to accomplish anything or give my life any meaning, especially with the infertility.

There's a lot to the story but it's not something I really want to post in open forum.

The thing with therapy, is you can can benefit from it even if you aren't suffering from MI. It sounds to me like these feelings and thoughts are at least somewhat distressing. I have intrusive thoughts as well. There are skills you can learn to make them not so distressing. What do you have to lose? Don't go to a psychiatrist unless you're interested in taking medication, which I get the impression you don't. See a psychologist with a PsyD if you can, the better educated therapists are often the best.

[Shell B]

Fucking intrusive thoughts. That is all.

[Alex K]

@C_L

It really pains me to see you describe yourself in such a cruel way. A dud, that's horribly wrong.

When I was between jobs, I had similar destructive feelings of lacking self-worth creep in, despite it being a relatively short time and having a family to take care of. I think having work is really unusually important psychologically in our society (and being a perfect mother, as well, so you get a double hit from societal expectations) . It doesn't have to be something super important or meaningful, only a little. If you serve pizza and made a few people feel welcome, that's better than those many jobs which make people feel miserable or exploit them. If you have the opportunity to take up a seemingly insignificant job like that in your new place, which doesn't feel wrong, I would do it.

I'm reminded of an interview with a former member of Scientology, Claire Headley. She describes how she has worked her ass off in the Scientology "Sea Org" for years with barely any sleep. When she and her husband escaped, she took a job as a pizza waitress and describes the exhilarating feeling to have a real down to earth job that serves other people in whatever fashion rather than working for a cult. I'm not saying that your life is anything like that of course, I only thought it offered an interesting perspective on how important psychologically it seems for us to work.

[KevinM1]

First and foremost: CL, you're a good person. I know how easy it is to be in an internalized negative feedback loop, and how much it sucks. I'm no psychologist, but you know how to reach me if you just need someone to listen.

I feel worthless most of the time. I can't describe how frustrating it is to have to rely on someone else for nearly everything. Bathing, bathroom stuff, clothing, medication, etc. The persistence of things always being out of reach, or, even worse, in the way blocking my wheelchair. Have you ever been physically restrained? Imagine it 24/7, affecting all your limbs. Multiply it by 37+ years.

Even better, I can't work. Well, I can work, but I rely on Medicaid for my living situation. Medicaid is based on income, meaning that if I make any kind of real income, it goes away. And with the secondary issues related to my primary disability (pressure sores because I can't sit at a straight 90 degrees, so I'm always shearing skin off) and late onset type 1 diabetes (most of the males on my mom's side get it in their 30's regardless of lifestyle... Thanks, mom!), I simply wouldn't be able to work consistently enough to make up for what I'd lose.

With all that, I'm 100% undesirable with the ladies. And unlike (in most cases) weight, hygiene, appearance, etc., there's nothing I can do to fix the problem. I can't work to be less disabled. I'm not going to suddenly be able to go to the bathroom without help, or anything else.

Real talk: I have, at times, thought that things would be objectively better for those I care about if I was dead. That, yeah, they'd be sad for a while, but eventually they'd get over it. And I would no longer be burdening them.

I want to be really clear here. I've never been literally suicidal. I'm a wuss when it comes to pain, and I'm one of the seemingly few atheists that fears death (no more awareness freaks me the fuck out), but it's hard to argue that my winning personality is worth the emotional, physical, and financial drain I inflict on those I care about.

Because of all of this, I have a real hard time believing that people may actually like me. There's always this level of distrust or paranoia that they're really just tolerating me because they have to, or because of social pressures and not wanting to be rude to a disabled guy. A lot of the time, my inner monologue is poison, and my snarky facade is just armor. Even with the very few people I consider true friends.

Hooray dysfunction!

[downbeatplumb]

I think I know how to cheer CL up.




Poop.