Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[Catholic_Lady]

First and foremost: CL, you're a good person.  I know how easy it is to be in an internalized negative feedback loop, and how much it sucks.  I'm no psychologist, but you know how to reach me if you just need someone to listen.

I feel worthless most of the time.  I can't describe how frustrating it is to have to rely on someone else for nearly everything.  Bathing, bathroom stuff, clothing, medication, etc.  The persistence of things always being out of reach, or, even worse, in the way blocking my wheelchair.  Have you ever been physically restrained?  Imagine it 24/7, affecting all your limbs.  Multiply it by 37+ years.

Even better, I can't work.  Well, I can work, but I rely on Medicaid for my living situation.  Medicaid is based on income, meaning that if I make any kind of real income, it goes away.  And with the secondary issues related to my primary disability (pressure sores because I can't sit at a straight 90 degrees, so I'm always shearing skin off) and late onset type 1 diabetes (most of the males on my mom's side get it in their 30's regardless of lifestyle... Thanks, mom!), I simply wouldn't be able to work consistently enough to make up for what I'd lose.

With all that, I'm 100% undesirable with the ladies.  And unlike (in most cases) weight, hygiene, appearance, etc., there's nothing I can do to fix the problem.  I can't work to be less disabled.  I'm not going to suddenly be able to go to the bathroom without help, or anything else.

Real talk: I have, at times, thought that things would be objectively better for those I care about if I was dead.  That, yeah, they'd be sad for a while, but eventually they'd get over it.  And I would no longer be burdening them.

I want to be really clear here.  I've never been literally suicidal.  I'm a wuss when it comes to pain, and I'm one of the seemingly few atheists that fears death (no more awareness freaks me the fuck out), but it's hard to argue that my winning personality is worth the emotional, physical, and financial drain I inflict on those I care about.

Because of all of this, I have a real hard time believing that people may actually like me.  There's always this level of distrust or paranoia that they're really just tolerating me because they have to, or because of social pressures and not wanting to be rude to a disabled guy.  A lot of the time, my inner monologue is poison, and my snarky facade is just armor.  Even with the very few people I consider true friends.

Hooray dysfunction!

Ugh, this was painful to read because I feel like you're such an awesome person. Seriously, you're one of my favorites here. You exhibit such a positive, happy attitude consistently... you're always trying to make others feel good despite the internal struggles you talk about on this post. I think you are a great example for everyone to follow regardless of what hardships they are going through. You've been very nice to me and you've stepped up and chatted with me on multiple occasions when I needed someone to talk to. That means a lot to me. I hope you are able to find some peace and realize your incredible worth as a human being.

[Brian37]

Hobbies save me from my thoughts. Seriously, I have so many. I started learning to play piano a few months ago, I do pyrography, I paint, I draw, I do puzzles, I dabble in French, I hike, I garden poorly, I play video games, I read, I write constantly, etc. Without them, I'm not sure I could stand the passing of time.

All of that said, I run maybe seven blogs in different topics. Only one of them makes any money, so I don't pay for guest posts, but I'm happy to let people write and post anonymously or under their own names. My mental health blog would probably be the best fit for you to get some shit off your chest. I could even help you set up your own blog so you can have something to do. Tibs and I might start a hiking blog. If you want to map hikes where you are, we would love to collaborate with you. If there's anything we can do to help you stay occupied, even as far as having you come visit and chill by the ocean, let us know. I'm anxious a lot, but I hear I'm a good hostess.

Wow, this is incredibly nice of you to offer help like this. 

I must admit I don't have a lot of hobbies because I feel like I'm juts not good or naturally gifted at anything. I'm one of those people where if I'm not good at something, I don't enjoy doing it. I know for a lot of people it's about doing something over and over again so that you can eventually get good at it. I admit I'm quick to lose motivation and don't take failure well at all when I don't do something very well. I'm sure that's part of my problem in general. I do stuff around the house to pass time and distract me, like clean, do groceries, make dinner, do meal prep for my husband's breakfast/lunch for the week, go for walks around the neighborhood, visit with friends, etc. They are distractions and do help, but at the end of the day they don't change the reality so it's a limited satisfaction.   

I don't read books but there are various blogs I like to read, though I've never considered writing one. I have read your mental health blog several months ago and was blown away by the things you have to deal with. You mentioned things that I didn't even know existed like intrusive thoughts. It's amazing the strength it must take to deal with these things on a daily basis and still move forward. You are a strong woman. I may take you up on the offer of writing a guest post about self image and see if there's enough there to actually start my own blog at some point. I've never done much writing though, so we'll see. 

I do like to hike, though unfortunately there isn't much of that around here except for the desert. I would love to visit sometime, if I can. The Appalachians are beautiful. Now that Brian got his next assignment he'll most certainly deploy sooner or later and I intend on doing some traveling during that time so I'm not just home by myself.

It isn't that anyone is "gifted", it is more along the lines that some people pick up things more naturally and others have to work at the same thing harder, and others still will never be able to do it. CL I felt the same way about "not being good at anything" growing up as you are expressing here. Lots of that is because far too often in America we judge people on titles and paychecks. We do things yes, but those are only one part of us, not the totality of us.

Success is also a highly subjective point of view too. Stalin was successful and so was Castro and the Kim family of North Korea. You to me are a real success. My definition of a successful person is anyone who expresses empathy for others and tries to get people to smile every day. I also in my life have seen tons of rich people whom are miserable jerks.

Don't try to chase what you think other people want you to do. Shell was mentioning hobbies to you to keep your brain active and that can be anything YOU CHOSE and like, there is no right hobby. 

I love writing poetry, many of them suck sure, but many people like. But I would never tell anyone that is the only way to be happy or even there is only one right way to write a poem. It is simply what I like. And if I quit every time a critic hated one of them, I would have quit a long time ago. Point is, you can find something you like but it also doesn't have to be something that gets you a Nobel peace prize or makes you a billionaire. I may very well likely go to my grave remaining unknown, but that is ok too. Happiness is local and most people don't have millions of fans, most people can count those who truly love them on 1 hand. And if you have that you are successful. 

Find a hobby or a charity you think you'd be happy doing, but more importantly surround yourself with people you enjoy. Don't kick yourself if you cant figure that out over night. Slow down, take your time, sample many things and you should be able to find something.

[ErGingerbreadMandude]

My dad used to grab me around the throat up against the living room door when I was like 12. I thought that was just something dads did when they were angry. Was shocked when I learned that was abusive.

What were his reasons? I didn't lay the table fast enough for dinner.

My dad is old school military. I was like 5 or something, I don't remember but I do remember I could barely walk. Anyhow, I was walking around the house without clothes with food stuffed in my mouth and some of it here and there in my face. Dad comes home from work sees me and it pisses him to no end. I don't remember what he did but I'm pretty sure whatever he did it made me fall back hard and had mom come running to my rescue only to have herself fall victim to dad's angry words. Another time he threw a plate at me that came spinning so fast and hit the side of my arm and I was bleeding and my dress got that red stain I think I was like 10 or something. Anyways he took me in that condition to church (special church day Jesus coming from the dead mass at night) and I just couldn't stop crying, cried all the way to church and still cried in the church during mass everyone was looking at me. I wouldn't say it was all that bad, I mean I did turn out pretty good and dad definitely loves me and I love him as well with all my heart. I remember like a year or two I brought up some of his antics in a conversation with him in a joking manner but his face got so sad I couldn't bear to look at it and he was so guilty so I decided I wouldn't bring any of it up ever. Although these days it's really hard for me to cry, like even when I'm really sad I guess I just grew so used to it my resistance to it grew over time. There's lots of stories like it but dad did it for me and dad is dad and I love dad cos dad is awesome and I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

[Brian37]

If you like traveling that is therapy too. Might seem boring to many, I love going to hotels. I hate driving and flying, but once I get there, I love the fresh smell and the different looks and the cute refrigerator and the tiny coffee maker and sometimes the huge shower too. But just seeing new things is fun too. 

One good thing my mom got right growing up was taking me to Europe and all over the United States. Been to Mexico and Japan too. I forgot which famous person said it, but something like, "Travel is the best way to kill bigotry and fear."

You see a wider view of the world, you end up understanding humans are the same, they just do things differently. Little advice though, don't get drunk off of Saki and knock over a picnic table when you meet your in law's friends at their home. TOTALLY EMBARRASSING! Food and rice wine all over everybody grass and dirt stains from falling.....

[Catholic_Lady]

Thank you for all the advice everyone, and for sharing your own stories. Definitely helps to have talked about it and to be reminded that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

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If you like traveling that is therapy too. Might seem boring to many, I love going to hotels. I hate driving and flying, but once I get there, I love the fresh smell and the different looks and the cute refrigerator and the tiny coffee maker and sometimes the huge shower too. But just seeing new things is fun too. 

One good thing my mom got right growing up was taking me to Europe and all over the United States. Been to Mexico and Japan too. I forgot which famous person said it, but something like, "Travel is the best way to kill bigotry and fear."

You see a wider view of the world, you end up understanding humans are the same, they just do things differently. Little advice though, don't get drunk off of Saki and knock over a picnic table when you meet your in law's friends at their home. TOTALLY EMBARRASSING! Food and rice wine all over everybody grass and dirt stains from falling.....

Oh yeah, I love traveling. And I'm a foodie so I love trying food from different places.

[Brian37]

Thank you for all the advice everyone, and for sharing your own stories. Definitely helps to have talked about it and to be reminded that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

---

If you like traveling that is therapy too. Might seem boring to many, I love going to hotels. I hate driving and flying, but once I get there, I love the fresh smell and the different looks and the cute refrigerator and the tiny coffee maker and sometimes the huge shower too. But just seeing new things is fun too. 

One good thing my mom got right growing up was taking me to Europe and all over the United States. Been to Mexico and Japan too. I forgot which famous person said it, but something like, "Travel is the best way to kill bigotry and fear."

You see a wider view of the world, you end up understanding humans are the same, they just do things differently. Little advice though, don't get drunk off of Saki and knock over a picnic table when you meet your in law's friends at their home. TOTALLY EMBARRASSING! Food and rice wine all over everybody grass and dirt stains from falling.....

Oh yeah, I love traveling. And I'm a foodie so I love trying food from different places.

And you thought you didn't have anything to do, this is something. And also what can help when you do this, you don't have to give away your personal info, but you can post pictures of your trip and write reviews about what you did and where you stayed and what you ate. You don't have to work for a newspaper or magazine but you have lots in common with others who also like travel, and may even be into the same places you like going.

I find just writing about anything is my therapy, even when it is not a poem. You always find someone who can identify with what you are going through or what you like or even the problems you are having. 

Point is you are not alone.

[pocaracas]

Oh yeah, I love traveling. And I'm a foodie so I love trying food from different places.

Did I just hear food and travel in the same post?
You know what's coming, then!
You know where to go.
You know it in your bones.

[Nay_Sayer]

I am full of, if not overflowing with life purpose.

I wanna be the best Pastafarian there, Like no one ever was
To resist all false idols is my real test, To convert non-Pastafarians is my cause.

I will travel across the land and I will search far and wide each non-Pastafarian I encounter, I strive to understand, The inner power they have inside.

[*Deidre*]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, CL. Something I've learned when I identified as an atheist a few years ago, and coming back towards that stance now, is that I can handle feelings of worthlessness better as an atheist, than I did as a theist. I think as a theist, I felt like Someone should be unburdening me or something. What kind of a god lets me suffer so? I would feel even worse as a theist, when I'd struggle with everyday issues like that, and you come to find out, that these feelings can be very normal. If they linger, and cause you to be unproductive in your life, then it could be time to see a counselor. I find that I self reflect more when I'm not turning to faith, to solve my issues. That said, I still yearn to turn to faith, because it serves sometimes as an escape. ''God will use my suffering for good,'' is what I'd tell myself. But, that was just me trying to make me feel better. I don't wish to sway your thinking on faith, but just sharing that it's been my experience, that faith can't solve everything, and sometimes, we think it should - and that can compound the problem.

[Athene]

I figured out sometime during college that I wasn't meant to be a career woman. I just didn't have the natural skills or the drive or interest for any particular field of work or study. It was a hard realization to come to at the time, because it's important to me that I do well in life and contribute to society. The only jobs I've had were pretty meaningless, and for the sole purpose of making money... like working at restaurants, stores, house keeping, etc. Nothing real. And I'm ashamed of that. It's embarrassing to me. 

Working a "basic" job isn't meaningless to you and your family. While you may or may not be contributing to society in any readily identifiable manner, you would in fact be contributing something, and positively impacting your household/your family's financial bottom line.

There's a very practical, very real value to that. 

I understand how not having the position or career one would like or imagines oneself to be in can have a significant impact on one's self-image. But, it seems to me that being able-bodied and not working at all might do much more damage in the self-esteem department.