Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[Catholic_Lady]

I think that's something that a lot of people can relate to at some point in their lives, though I feel like few will talk about it. And of course, everyone experiences those things in different forms or for different reasons. I am fortunate enough to not have a mental illness or neurological disorder of any kind. I've never had clinical depression, don't suffer from anxiety, no ADD, etc etc. To me, feeling down on myself comes strictly from the way life itself has gone, my failures, my lack of abilities, and so forth. It does not come from mental health issues. 

I figured out sometime during college that I wasn't meant to be a career woman. I just didn't have the natural skills or the drive or interest for any particular field of work or study. It was a hard realization to come to at the time, because it's important to me that I do well in life and contribute to society. The only jobs I've had were pretty meaningless, and for the sole purpose of making money... like working at restaurants, stores, house keeping, etc. Nothing real. And I'm ashamed of that. It's embarrassing to me. 

I figured at that time that my calling then, since I wasn't meant to be a career woman, was to be a mother some day. And I would dedicate my life to my family, and I would be the best wife and the best mom in the world... to make up for my complete failure and inabilities in the career department. I never imagined that I would have infertility issues, because being a mom was what I was supposed to do. It was my way of contributing to society and giving my life purpose. But here I am, married for 7 years, 31 years old, and still childless because my body doesn't seem to be able to do it, or at least, to do it right...

I did get pregnant once so far, but the one baby I did make had genetic abnormalities that were incompatible with life, and so he died when I was 5 months pregnant with him. It hurts that this is something else that I can't do. Currently I have no job. I try to fill my days up with random things so that I don't feel so worthless. It hurts not feeling like I'm good enough for anything... even for making babies. It hurts knowing that my husband deserves to be a father but that he married a complete dud... someone who doesn't work, doesn't have any special skills, and can't even give him children. (and yes, the infertility issues are on my end not his - we checked) 

I think of the good things I have, and they are many - an amazing husband, a solid family, structured upbringing, incredible faith, financial security, physical/mental health. Thinking of these things initially makes me feel like I have a lot to be happy about in life. But it backfires on me when I remember that those things were all given to me. I just happened to luck out. None of those things were earned, none of them are inherent to me. They are outside things. The struggle is with myself, and those things only serve to remind me that I don't deserve any of it. Because I haven't been able to reap good out of any of them. I'm still worthless and I still failed despite all those things I had going for me. The people in my life that I love and that love me have nothing to feel proud of me for, and nothing to gain from me. I can't give my husband a child, I can't give my parents grandchildren, I can't be someone that these people feel proud of, or can brag to their friends about... for any reason. And that is the part that hurts most because I want the best for all of them. And I can't do it.

TLDR: If you struggle or have struggled with feelings of worthlessness, self esteem, lack of purpose in life, etc... feel free to share your story below so that we all know we are not alone. And if you were able to overcome it, advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Jackalope]

I had and sometimes still have those kinds of feelings. I have type 1 bipolar disorder and PTSD though. The former has in the past contributed to me doing some very dreadful things that are thankfully no longer an issue. I hurt people though and it ultimately had a lot with ending my marriage. My ex-wife simply couldn't handle a seriously mentally ill spouse. I've been sick off and on since I was a young child, and I'm almost 50 now.

What has helped me is therapy - both cognitive behavior therapy and dialectic behavior therapy, amongst other therapies. I've been continuously in therapy since 2009, and had a spottier record of therapy since I was 17 or so. Also medication, which not everyone needs. I do. I still have episodes but they aren't as severe.

Those feelings of worthlessness and anxiety has contributed in two voluntary inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations in the last year, and perhaps half a dozen when I was 17-18, I can't recall exactly. I was misdiagnosed, and therefore prescribed fairly ineffective medication until 2009.

You say you haven't have any mental illness several times. If it's causing you distress to a degree that it causes a decline in function, it might actually qualify as mental illness. Either way, a therapist might be your best bet.

[Minimalist]

I agree with C/D, hon.  An internet message board is no place to talk these kinds of feelings out.  I can tell from the way you write that you are articulate enough to be able to express your feelings in person to a professional and that is what you should immediately consider.  Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness can lead to suicide eventually if not addressed. 

Give it a shot.  What do you have to lose?

[Brian37]

I think that's something that a lot of people can relate to at some point in their lives, though I feel like few will talk about it. And of course, everyone experiences those things in different forms or for different reasons. I am fortunate enough to not have a mental illness or neurological disorder of any kind. I've never had clinical depression, don't suffer from anxiety, no ADD, etc etc. To me, feeling down on myself comes strictly from the way life itself has gone, my failures, my lack of abilities, and so forth. It does not come from mental health issues. 

I figured out sometime during college that I wasn't meant to be a career woman. I just didn't have the natural skills or the drive or interest for any particular field of work or study. It was a hard realization to come to at the time, because it's important to me that I do well in life and contribute to society. The only jobs I've had were pretty meaningless, and for the sole purpose of making money... like working at restaurants, stores, house keeping, etc. Nothing real. And I'm ashamed of that. It's embarrassing to me. 

I figured at that time that my calling then, since I wasn't meant to be a career woman, was to be a mother some day. And I would dedicate my life to my family, and I would be the best wife and the best mom in the world... to make up for my complete failure and inabilities in the career department. I never imagined that I would have infertility issues, because being a mom was what I was supposed to do. It was my way of contributing to society and giving my life purpose. But here I am, married for 7 years, 31 years old, and still childless because my body doesn't seem to be able to do it, or at least, to do it right...

I did get pregnant once so far, but the one baby I did make had genetic abnormalities that were incompatible with life, and so he died when I was 5 months pregnant with him. It hurts that this is something else that I can't do. Currently I have no job. I try to fill my days up with random things so that I don't feel so worthless. It hurts not feeling like I'm good enough for anything... even for making babies. It hurts knowing that my husband deserves to be a father but that he married a complete dud... someone who doesn't work, doesn't have any special skills, and can't even give him children. (and yes, the infertility issues are on my end not his - we checked) 

I think of the good things I have, and they are many - an amazing husband, a solid family, structured upbringing, incredible faith, financial security, physical/mental health. Thinking of these things initially makes me feel like I have a lot to be happy about in life. But it backfires on me when I remember that those things were all given to me. I just happened to luck out. None of those things were earned, none of them are inherent to me. They are outside things. The struggle is with myself, and those things only serve to remind me that I don't deserve any of it. Because I haven't been able to reap good out of any of them. I'm still worthless and I still failed despite all those things I had going for me. The people in my life that I love and that love me have nothing to feel proud of me for, and nothing to gain from me. I can't give my husband a child, I can't give my parents grandchildren, I can't be someone that these people feel proud of, or can brag to their friends about... for any reason. And that is the part that hurts most because I want the best for all of them. And I can't do it.

TLDR: If you struggle or have struggled with feelings of worthlessness, self esteem, lack of purpose in life, etc... feel free to share your story below so that we all know we are not alone. And if you were able to overcome it, advice would be greatly appreciated. 

There is lots in this I agree with.

1. Everyone experiences life differently.
2. Everyone has ups and downs.
3. Not everyone has mental illness.

Now here is where we part company. "Purpose"...... Sorry that is also highly subjective and can only mean to the individual what they want their "purpose" to be.

The problem with using the word "purpose" on any side, by anyone is that far too often "purpose" becomes a projection. I won't say that always happens, but it does happen far too often. Especially on issues of class, political party and religion, "purpose" becomes "It works for me so you are less than, if you don't do it like me."

For example, a Conservative Catholic, and there are, are going to see "Purpose" far differently than a liberal Catholic.

But same can be said for class. A poor person and middle class person and a rich person are not always going to see "purpose" in the same light.

I would not put it like that at all.

I would say however, when an individual has a solid social structure and family and friend support the are more likely to cope better in the down times. Even if they do suffer from depression and or anxiety.

Life is what you make it, that is the way to put it. Be happy, that is the way to put it. You start getting into the word "purpose" then it becomes a competition of how one should live their lives and everyone has a different idea of how that is done.

The other reason I don't like generalizations like "purpose" is that it can, and again, not that it always does, but can lead people to chase impossible utopias. Not everyone will be a famous rock star. Not everyone will become a rich billionaire. Not everyone will become a famous pro sports star. Most people if lucky get a job that pays their bills and can save a little money. 

What is important in life is having people you like working with and having emotional support from family and friends. Anything outside that is personal and individual.

[Whateverist]

I don't know enough to help you with this. I don't tend to have those feelings but then I don't carry around big expectations for myself.

But I can remind you of your many good qualities. As others have pointed out you are very articulate. You also seem to have good insight into others. You don't need to go to school for ever to put yourself in an occupation where you'd have the opportunity to help others. I suspect you'd find that fulfilling.

[Brian37]

CL have you considered that your current down might be due to your fear and anxiety of your husband taking on some hard training? Whateverist said it best, there are some things you may want to talk to a professional about and there is absolutely no shame in that.

[J a c k]

I obviously disagree that this is no place to talk about these feelings. Yes, a professional is highly recommendable and vital. I get that. But! Sometimes hearing other people's own experiences and receiving support from people who won't have to look at you in the eye during breakfast can help. I receive therapy and still, ranting here has helped change the way my day is going. It's like unloading heavy weight. I know this is something many people would disagree on and I have been told I shouldn't vent my intimacy online. I have also been told that I helped someone not feel alone and received support from great people. Of course, doing that and not seeking professional help can be dangerous. It's not a replacement.

Anywho... CL, I don't know you. This post of yours gave me some insight as to who you are, though, outside of your opinions on other stuff. It's raw and intimate. First of all, it takes guts to do that. Second, it seems to me that there is a lot more to you than the things you say you lack. Sometimes admitting our qualities is the most difficult task when we're asked to evaluate ourselves. I learned this in therapy. So, while I'm here to say thank you for sharing so openly and genuinely, I'm also here to tell you that therapy helps when you find the right fit. Sometimes you gotta do some shopping around. Heh. The wrong therapist can do more damage than good.

I hope your feelings of self worth improve. If I can see you're a lot more valuable than you think, and I'm not even your homie, then dang, girl. You must be packed with good stuff. You just have to spot it.  

[The Industrial Atheist]

I think you're a cool person and I don't think having difficulty conceiving makes you a "dud." There's so much more to value in a person.
That issue is just a biological thing and in no way affects your value as a person.

Sent from my LGL52VL using Tapatalk

[brewer]

C_L, been there, done that. It sucks.

Just a thought, try getting out of yourself. By that I mean make an effort to do something for others, not just you, not just your husband.

Hell, you're catholic, are they not part of your family? We've talked about the great things catholic charities do. Give volunteering a try, a worthy career. I've found that when I get out and help others that my "poor me's" tend to melt away. Let's me see that I don't have it nearly as bad as I thought I did. My issues pale in comparison. 

Not your cup o tea? How about caring for animals? We know you love that, ya cat hoarder. Warning, this can often be bitter sweet. 

I think there all kinds of things that you could excel at, you just need to look around and test the waters.

BTW, temp infertility =/= no motherhood. Have you and hubby talked about other options? Quality foster's, or even big sisters, are in demand. Put on a nun's habit and do after school care. hehehe

Had enough raw raw yet?

[mlmooney89]

I understand you 100%. I have felt the same thing of not being good at anything that can be a career and feeling like my life would be fulfilled with being a mother. I too went through 6 years of being told they didn't know why I couldn't have kids. During those six years I came to terms with it may never happen and I had to accept that I was just a good person doing the best I can and helping others. We resolved that if we couldn't have any of our own we would adopt. I had to accept that it was a possibility I would never feel a child grow in me but I knew that if I could give a good home to another life even if I hadn't been the one to give them the life it made me worthwhile. I know nothing anyone says will make you have self worth but there are other things in life that can help give you the fulfilling life.